I’ve started several posts over the last month and a half. But none of them have survived.
A lot has happened over the last month.
Aaron graduated from ALS and got his promotion.
My mom came to visit. I miss her already.
We started preschool for the boys.
I’ve lost a total of 20 pounds since starting THM the beginning of May.
T and I got tested for diabetic antibodies.
And S is getting seen by a specialist for a possible diagnosis of diabetes insipidous.
Tonight, I just need to vent. To cry my heart out.
Its not fair.
I know. It could be worse. It might end up being worse.
But here is my heart. Here is my love. And he is suffering from yet another disease.
And this one? This one is extremely rare.
I feel alone.
I know I’m not.
I have a very supportive husband, and family.
And its not MY disease.
But its my baby. My precious little boy.
And I hate to see him going through all of this.
Here’s my fear right now. This precious little boy is meeting with a new specialist tomorrow.
I’m not even sure this is the right specialist to see.
I don’t even know if he is going to do anything or if this is going to be a waste of my time and energy.
I have to haul all three boys with me up to the hospital. All by myself. Again. Two hours there, however long we are at the appointment, and then two hours home. And dinner. ‘Cause we can’t do that long without stopping for food at least once.
But what if this is a wasted trip?
What if we are seeing the wrong specialist?
What if they need to hospitalize him right away, and I am stuck with the car, without my hubby, and all three kids?
I don’t mean to be a downer. I really don’t.
I am so grateful. For some many things.
I am very grateful for health care.
For specialists who do know how to take care of my treasures.
For medicines that can help us live normal lives.
And for many, many other blessings.
To be honest, I’m scared.
Scared of what the results will be.
Scared that something really serious is going on.
Scared that I might be in the spot I was in almost 2 years ago, when I almost lost my little boy to Type 1 diabetes.
But I will press on.
I will get our stuff together for tomorrow.
I will go to bed.
And I will pray.
Then tomorrow morning, when T decides we all need to wake up, I will get out of bed, and put on a cheerful face.
I will not allow my kids to sink into my negative state.
And if I have to “fake it till I make it” tomorrow, then I will do so.
But I will find joy in something tomorrow.
If nothing else, I will find joy in this gorgeous smile. The smile that belongs to such a strong little boy.
Or maybe the smiles on these two little faces…
And although I have to go without him tomorrow, I will remember the love of the man God gave me. I will be so grateful that I have him to stand next to me through everything.
And I will trust that God knows what He is doing. That He is holding, not just the world, but my little family within His hands, and in His heart.